Due southo you want to find "the one" eh? You're sick and tired of all the dating apps and websites and trying to meet people in your kickball league? And how many awkward start dates can you go along to observe a "normal" person? And what'southward with all the fake personalities and flaky people who seem more interested in themselves and tin't be bothered to brand a slight alter in their schedule to, you know, go out with you?

If this describes the majority of your romantic life, I want y'all to open upwardly your mind a little and start looking at things a little differently from now on.

First, consider this: everyone wants a perfect partner, only few people want to be the perfect partner. 1

I retrieve the vast majority of bug around "finding someone" are caused by uneven expectations similar this.

But when yous flip this on its head and you start taking a petty more responsibility in this expanse of your life—when you start focusing on what kind of life you want to live and what kind of partner you desire to be—y'all'll start to come across all the flakes and narcissists and liars fade into the background. You'll commencement making genuine connections with people and make each other'southward lives more enjoyable.

For years, I probably obsessed a piddling as well much over this function of my life. But afterwards stumbling through 1 unhealthy relationship afterwards another, I learned a very important lesson: the best style to find an amazing person is to go an amazing person. two

So, if y'all're willing to have an open heed—and take a painful look at yourself—then read on.

Allow's begin with perhaps a assuming argument: The root of all unattractiveness is neediness; the root of all attractiveness is non-neediness.

Simply what exactly is neediness?

Neediness occurs when you place a higher priority on what others think of you than what yous think of yourself.

Whatever time you lot alter your words or behavior to fit someone else's needs rather than your own, that is needy. Any time you lie nearly your interests, hobbies, or background, that is needy. Any fourth dimension yous pursue a goal to impress others rather than fulfill yourself, that is needy.

Dating advice: neediness

Whereas most people focus on what beliefs is bonny/unattractive, what determines neediness (and therefore, attractiveness) is the why behind your beliefs. You can say the coolest thing or do what anybody else does, but if you do it for the wrong reason, information technology will come off as needy and desperate and turn people off.

"It's not the what of your beliefs that is bonny or unattractive, it's the why of your behavior."

People can sense needy beliefs right away—chances are you lot can tell when someone is being needy for your attention or affection—and information technology's a major plow off. This is considering neediness is actually a form of manipulation, and people have a dandy nose for manipulative bullshit.

Think virtually it, if yous're acting needy, you're trying to get someone to recollect of you in a certain style or act a certain mode towards you for your own benefit. Remember about the way you feel when someone is blatantly trying to sell yous something with high-pressure, salesy tricks. It merely feels wrong. It'southward a similar feeling when someone is acting in a certain way merely to go you lot to similar them.

At present, we all get needy at times because, of course, we do care about what others call up of united states. That'southward a fact of human nature. Only the central here is that, at the end of the 24-hour interval, y'all should intendance more about what you remember of yourself than what others think.

Examples of neediness in your life

How needy/non-needy you are permeates everything in your life and is reflected in all your beliefs. And I mean all of it.

A few examples:

  • A needy person wants their friends to remember they're absurd or funny or smart and will constantly try to impress them with their coolness or humor or smart opinions about everything. A non-needy person just enjoys spending time with their friends for the sake of spending time with them and doesn't feel the need to perform around them.
  • A needy person buys apparel based on whether or not they think other people volition think they look good in them (or at to the lowest degree what they retrieve is "safe" to vesture). A non-needy person buys clothes based on their own personal sense of style they've developed over time.
  • A needy person stays at a soul-burdensome job they hate because of the prestige it gives them in the eyes of their friends, family, and peers. A non-needy person values their time and skills more than than what other people remember and will find work that fulfills and challenges them based on their own values.
  • A needy person will try to impress a appointment by dropping hints virtually how much coin they brand or important people they know or dated or where they went to schoolhouse. A not-needy person genuinely simply tries to get to know the other person to find out if they're compatible with one another.

We behave in needy means when we feel bad nigh ourselves. We attempt to use the affection and approval of others to compensate for the lack of affection and blessing for ourselves. And that is another root cause of our dating bug: our inability to have care of ourselves.

More Resources on Getting Rid of Neediness

  1. Models: Attract Women through Honesty – My book, Models, is pretty much entirely based on the idea of ridding your life of neediness. Yep, information technology'due south written for men, but I've had a lot of women, gay men, lesbians, trans people, etc. write to me over the years saying they got a lot out of it. Information technology's not and so much a book almost dating as it is virtually getting your life together.
  2. The Subtle Fine art of Not Giving A Fuck – This commodity would later inspire my volume by the same name. Getting over your neediness means you choose to not give a fuck nearly what others will think of you lot for expressing yourself honestly.
  3. Change Your Mind About Dating – This is a expect at how your dating life might await if you weren't constantly worrying about what other people thought of you; i.east., if you lot weren't being needy all the time.
  4. The Dismal State of Flirting in English-Speaking Cultures – If you think displays of romantic and/or sexual interest should be shrouded in derogatory banter with one another—well, call up almost how fucked up that is for a moment and so…read this article.

No i tin can encounter your value as a person if you lot don't value yourself first. And taking care of yourself, when done from a place of non-neediness, is what demonstrates that y'all value yourself.

Now, at that place'due south a fine line between taking care of yourself for the correct and wrong reasons. If you do these things I outline below in society to get others to similar y'all, you've already lost (that'south needy behavior, remember?). You should have care of yourself considering you genuinely desire to exist a salubrious, intelligent, well-rounded private for the sake of existence a healthy, intelligent, well-rounded individual who values your own self-worth over what others think of you.

Recollect of it this way: people won't dear you until y'all love yourself.

Dating advice: take care of yourself first

So with that said, here's a list of some of the major areas of your life yous should focus on first (if you don't already):

Wellness

Taking care of your concrete and mental wellness is the unmarried biggest step you can have towards improving your life. Information technology has the biggest, virtually indelible impact on nigh every other area of your life, including dating and relationships.three

Besides making you look better, eating right and exercising consistently just makes y'all feel better on a twenty-four hour period-to-day ground. When you feel improve—when you accept more free energy and your mood is raised a niggling—it'due south a lot easier to get your donkey out of the firm and into the world so you can engage with people genuinely and confidently. You're also more pleasant to be around.4

And if y'all take any past traumas or psychological issues that need to be dealt with, practice it. Talk to friends and relatives and get therapy if you need it.5 Y'all're ultimately the one who can assist yourself the most, simply it's okay if you need a trivial help in this surface area. Become it taken intendance of.

Finances

Money is a major source of stress for a lot of people. It can be so stressful, in fact, that near people cease up ignoring a lot of their financial problems altogether. This, in plough, leads to a cruel cycle, where ignoring your coin issues only makes them worse and you end up even more stressed as fourth dimension goes on.

Long-term stress like this makes you lot less attractive. It saps your energy, causes health problems,vi and generally makes you a dick to be around. So if this describes you, it's time to get real nigh your finances.

Acquire almost personal finance. Cut out waste and find ways to make more money in the brusk and long term. Open a savings business relationship for emergencies. Pay down debt as quickly as possible. Learn the basics of investing.

In curt, get this expanse of your life handled so information technology's non dragging you downward in other areas.

Career

To put it bluntly, no one wants to be around someone—permit alone appointment someone—who complains nigh their job all the time. Wait, I get information technology, not anybody can take their dream jobs or showtime a billion-dollar business organisation tomorrow. Nosotros're all built-in with varying levels of raw talent in one area or another, and sometimes our talents and passions can be turned into careers. Other times, we take to work "normal" jobs to brand ends meet and pursue our talents and passions on the side.

Simply regardless of your current situation, at that place is absolutely some action y'all tin can have, right at present, towards finding meaningful work that you relish, or at least work you don't dread. Utilise for new jobs. Go to chore fairs and network with people. Take classes and develop useful skills that you enjoy. Acquire how to interview meliorate and how to negotiate meliorate terms of employment.

Social life

If you end upward at the same three or four bars with the same iii or iv people every weekend and so wonder why you can't meet interesting, attractive people who you tin can connect with—well, just think about how backward that is for a moment.

Developing an agile social life not but makes for a more fulfilling, enjoyable life, it also puts you in contact with more (and different) people, upping your chances of meeting someone you click with.

I'll cover this more in the next section, simply for now, a few ideas to get you started are things like exploring new hobbies and interests, taking an art course, signing up for martial arts or yoga, joining a community sports league, etc. Practice things that get you off your ass and out interacting with people. This will pay off immensely in all areas of your life.

***

Y'all'll observe that all of these areas accept quite a bit of time and effort to develop. In fact, y'all'll probably never stop working on each of them to some caste, and that'south okay. The best way to go these areas of your life handled is to develop salubrious, consistent habits around them.

And the betoken isn't to attain some state of nirvana in your life where you accept six-pack abs, a bazillion dollars, and a packed social schedule with thousands of friends and then, FINALLY, you'll of a sudden observe true love. The point is to just always be working towards being the best version of yourself you can be at whatever given fourth dimension.

Are you deeply interested in social justice? Are y'all a health nut? Are you a party fauna or socialite? Are you lot actually into fine art and music? Or perhaps you honey the outdoors?

Develop your interests start, simply for the joy and pleasure you go from experiencing them. Then, every bit a byproduct, you lot will meet people who share your values and are attracted to yous based on who y'all are, rather than what you say or how you act.

Hither'southward a slightly ridiculous example to illustrate my point: an intelligent woman who'southward devoted to her career as a scientist probably won't have the best luck meeting men she's compatible with by competing in wet T-shirt contests.

Not that anybody who goes to wet T-shirt contests is stupid, it's just that she'd be meliorate off developing more intellectual pursuits she's interested in so she can meet people whose interests and values are more than aligned with her own. Things like signing up for language classes, volunteering at a local museum, attending art galleries and lectures, and and then on.

Dating advice: where to find love

And then if you're really into sci-fi or Dungeons and Dragons or 8th-century Medieval art, don't get to clubs and confined looking for love. Similarly, if you like quiet nights at habitation and savor knitting, joining a skydiving club might not be the offset place you should look to expand your social circle and see potential dates.

It's okay to experiment with expanding your interests, only as ever, practice it for you, not to see Mr./Mrs. Perfect.

A word on online dating and apps

I don't think there's annihilation inherently wrong with online dating and studies have shown that more and more people are meeting online and having long-term relationships.7 It'due south definitely doable and it can be a bang-up manner to meet people, especially if you lot're new to a city, extremely busy with piece of work, or only "getting back out there."

With that said, most people don't apply online dating very effectively. If you're having issues with people beingness flaky and/or lukewarm, well I hate to be the one to tell you this, only it's not them, it's y'all.

You see, online dating and dating apps are bang-up for coming together people quickly and efficiently—and that's about it. After that, it's up to you to be assuming and clearly communicate what you're looking for.

This will freak some people out. This will crusade some people to "ghost" on you. And I'm here to tell you this is a skilful thing.

Think near it: the people who freak out and ghost on yous, they are the flakes and wishy-washy people you're and then tired of going on dates with. It's best to weed them out as quickly equally possible and not play into their wishy-washy games. This is doubly true the older you become.

If you tell someone on a first appointment that yous're looking for a long-term relationship and information technology scares them off, then you just did your future self a huge favor. If only stating your general intentions freaks somebody out, then the reality is that they don't desire the same thing as y'all and/or they take their own issues to work out. Learn to see it every bit a blessing when someone eliminates themselves for you.

Your job is to simply limited yourself honestly and non be ashamed of that.

At that place is a dizzying amount of dating communication out there and most of information technology, I'chiliad distressing to say, is bullshit. So much of it focuses on the "tactics" and "strategies" of alluring someone that it completely misses the whole signal of the joy of meeting someone you lot connect with.

"Say this, don't say that. Await 3.46 days earlier calling/texting them dorsum. Touch on them on the left arm once every 7 minutes while sub-communicating your sociosexual status. Grinning, but non TOO much. Human activity subtly interested, merely not TOO eager. Always go along them guessing to keep upward the 'mystery'."

Yes, fuck that.

Await, part of being a mature, functioning adult in the world is being able to communicate and limited yourself honestly on an emotional level.8 For many people, especially those who've had troubles in their romantic lives, this is hard. They've either never been taught how to be vulnerable in a healthy way, or they've gotten so jaded about dating that they figure, what'due south the point? So they put up their guard before anyone has the chance to actually become to know who they really are.

Vulnerability, when done correctly, is really a show of strength and power. Telling someone you similar them and desire to get to know them better doesn't "give them all the ability" unless you're entirely invested in the mode they respond to you.

Dating advice: honesty and vulnerability

If, instead, you are merely expressing yourself to make your desires known and you're willing to have the consequences, good or bad, others will notice that. And information technology's incredibly bonny.

I've written virtually vulnerability earlier. So you can read more on that if yous think you need to work on being more vulnerable.9

But earlier moving on, I want to make something articulate about beingness vulnerable: this is not another "tactic" or "strategy" to use to go people to like you. That, by definition, is neediness (we always come back to neediness, don't nosotros?).

A person who is truly secure and comfy with beingness vulnerable is but expressing themselves and saying, "This is who I am, faults and all. You don't have to like me for me to exist OK with that."

And when people don't like you for who you lot are? Well then, fuck 'em.

More Articles on Communication and Vulnerability

  • Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships
  • 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Nearly People Think Are Normal
  • half-dozen Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic
  • Maybe Yous Don't Know What Love Is
  • Compatibility and Chemical science in Relationships
  • How to Survive a Long Distance Human relationship
  • v Relationship Books Everyone Should Read

Some people think my views towards romantic relationships are a little extreme sometimes. And I go information technology, I frequently use extreme examples to illustrate my point when it comes to things like values and boundaries. A lot of people think I'chiliad suggesting that you only seek perfection in your love life, which merely results in unrealistic expectations, which then results in disappointment considering no one is perfect.

Well, of form, anybody has faults. It'southward impossible to discover someone without some emotional baggage or insecurities.

The real question is, how do nosotros deal with it? I've previously talked about how to notice emotionally manipulative behavior and how to avoid people who display it. These are people who have problems and baggage and used them equally a weapon with the men they engagement.

Here, I want to talk well-nigh what traits to actively look for in a relationship partner when deciding to date or commit to them, baggage and insecurities and all.

(Spoiler Alert: You want to await for people who manage their insecurities well.)

Learning the Hard Way

My first scattering of pregnant relationships were mired with a lot of manipulation and victim/rescuer dynamics. These relationships were great learning experiences, but they also caused me a great deal of hurting that I had to eventually learn from.

It wasn't until I managed to find myself in relationships with some emotionally healthy women who were able to manage their flaws well that I really learned what to look for when dating someone.

And I discovered in this time that there was ane trait in a woman that I absolutely must have to be in a relationship with her, and it was something that I would never compromise on over again (and I haven't). Some of us are unwilling to compromise on superficial traits: looks, intelligence, educational activity, etc. Those are important, simply if there'due south one trait that I've learned you should never compromise on, it'southward this:

The ability to meet 1's own flaws and be answerable for them.

Because the fact is that problems are inevitable. Every relationship will see fights and each person volition run up confronting their emotional luggage at diverse times. How long the relationship lasts and how well it goes comes down to both people being willing and able to recognize the snags in themselves and communicate them openly.

Couple on a bench

Think of your dearest involvement and enquire yourself, "If I gave him/her honest, constructive criticism virtually how I think he/she could be better, how would they react?" Would they throw a huge fit? Crusade drama? Blame you and criticize you dorsum? Merits you don't dearest them? Storm out and make you lot hunt after them?

Or would they appreciate your perspective, and even if hurts a piffling or if it's uncomfortable, even if there was a little bit of an emotional outburst at offset, would they eventually consider it and be willing to talk most it? Without blaming or shaming. Without causing unnecessary drama. Without trying to make yous jealous or angry.

No?

And so they're non dating textile.

But — here's the million dollar question — think of that aforementioned honey interest, and at present imagine that they gave yous constructive criticism and pointed out what they believed to exist your biggest flaws and blind spots. How would you react? Would y'all brush it off? Would you lot identify the blame on them or call them names? Would you logically try to contend your style out of information technology? Would you get angry or insecure?

Chances are you would. Chances are the other person would as well. Well-nigh people do. And that's why they end upwards dating each other.

Having open up, intimate conversations with someone where you're able to openly talk most one another'due south flaws without resorting to blaming or shaming is mayhap the hardest thing to exercise in whatever relationship. Very few people are capable of it. To this 24-hour interval, when I sit down downward with my girlfriend, or my begetter, or one of my best friends and have i of these conversations, I feel my chest tighten, my breadbasket plough in a knot, my artillery sweat.

It'due south not pleasant. But it'due south admittedly mandatory for a healthy long-term relationship. And the only way you find this in a person is past approaching the entire relationship — from the moment you commencement encounter them — with honesty and integrity, by expressing your emotions and sexuality without blame or shame, and non degenerating into bad habits of playing games or stirring up drama.

Suppressing or over-expressing your emotions volition attract someone who besides suppresses or over-expresses their emotions. Expressing your emotions in a salubrious way will attract someone who likewise expresses their emotions in a healthy manner.

You may think a person like this doesn't exist. That they're a unicorn. Simply you'd be surprised. Your emotional integrity naturally cocky-selects the emotional integrity of the people you encounter and date. And when you set yourself, as if by some magical cheat lawmaking, the people you lot meet and date become more and more functional themselves. And the obsession and feet of dating dissolves and becomes elementary and articulate. The procedure ceases to exist a long and analytical one merely a short and pleasant one. The style she cocks her head when she smiles. The way your eyes light up a little bit more when you talk to him.

Your worries will dissolve. And regardless of what happens, whether you're together for a minute, a month or a lifetime, all there is is acceptance.

Years ago, I wrote a post called "Fuck Yep or No". People liked it. They shared information technology on Facebook and sent it to their friends. They posted it on their dating profiles. They called their mothers crying and asked why they weren't taught this in school. They nominated me for a Nobel Prize.

OK, that last part didn't happen, but the point is that information technology resonated with a lot of people.

The Police of Fuck Yes or No is quite simple:

The Law of "Fuck Yes or No" states that, in dating and relationships, both parties must exist a "fuck yes" about each  other. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high cocky-worth people don't have time for people who they are non excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

The Law of Fuck Aye or No applies to meeting and dating someone, sex, long-term relationships, hell, even friendships.

If yous meet someone and one or both of y'all aren't a "fuck yep" for seeing each other once more, that's a "fuck no." If you go on a first date and aren't a "fuck yeah" almost a second engagement, that's a "fuck no."

And it'due south non only idealistic, passionate romance I'yard talking about here. You might exist going through a crude patch with someone, merely y'all're both a "fuck yes" for working on information technology. Awesome. Do that.

Dating advice: fuck yes or no

If yous've been with someone for years and i or both of you aren't a "fuck aye" for being together for the foreseeable future, that's a "fuck no."

In any long-term relationship, bug ascend and arguments are bound to happen. But a expert sign of being "fuck yep" with someone is that you all the same want to be together even when you're pissing each other off.10

The betoken isn't that you won't have any apprehensions if you're "the 1" for each other. The point is that y'all find yourselves saying "fuck yes" together for each pace in the relationship despite the apprehensions you might have. From the start date to the second appointment to the 100th engagement, to doing the naked horizontal electrical slide together, to making it "official," to fighting with each other, to moving in together, to getting married, to buying insurance together, and and so on.

When you think virtually it, the Law of Fuck Yes or No is actually a byproduct of everything we've covered so far. Non-needy people who take care of themselves and communicate honestly don't have time for people who play games or are wishy-washy virtually being with them. They have too much self-respect and don't care about what wishy-washy people think of them.

And then, if you take nothing else away from this, only know that the way to find true dear is to exist the all-time version of yourself and do it unapologetically and without shame. You'll attract people into your life who connect with you on your level and, only as importantly, yous'll weed out all the people who don't.

And that'due south the whole indicate, isn't it?